My Heart.

Before becoming a stay-at-home (albeit, work-from-home) mom, I had a vision of what my days would look like. No longer would I have to get up during the dreaded 6 AM hour and make myself presentable for office life. My days would involve sleeping until at least 8 AM every morning, snuggling my sweet baby all day long, planning daily adventures to the park or the zoo or the library, keeping an incredibly clean apartment (I mean, I would be home all day to do so), having unlimited time to spend in my Bible or in prayer, working only during Levi’s naps, and all the while, serving family dinner promptly at 6 PM. Boy, I had some high expectations for myself and this new stage of life!

In reality: we’re up at 7 AM sharp (if not before then) because of Levi’s all-too-accurate internal clock. I struggle to read my Bible, not because I don’t have the time (because I do), but because I put more value on getting to work right away rather than going to God right away. We don’t snuggle. Levi hates it (I wonder where he gets that from…). We usually manage to get out everyday (Lord knows I’ll go crazy if not), but our adventures typically consist of walking to our mailbox or our garden or taking a “trip” to Target for odd and end things that I can dream up. Our apartment is usually clean enough to be sanitary, but not spotless by any means. And dinner…well, that’s lucky to be finished by 8 PM after Levi is already in bed.

Needless to say, staying home with my son looks a lot different than I had pictured.

I’m grateful for it–for this opportunity. I have the privilege to watch him change and develop day by day. We can read together, play together, explore together. How incredible is it that I am blessed to raise him up? I don’t have to leave him at daycare everyday or drop him off with a nanny. I get that time with him. I get these memories with him. So why does life seem flat sometimes?

Maybe because I don’t give my God the priority that He deserves. Maybe because on occasion I feel trapped inside a 750 square foot apartment. Let’s be honest here: maybe it’s because sometimes I just fill my days with work emails, and social media, and Netflix and forget about this blessing God has bestowed upon me.

This blessing of motherhood. Of having the opportunity to intimately know this brown-eyed, rambunctious, strong-willed, beautiful little life.

My love for Levi, it is deep and wide and nothing like I have ever known. How much greater is my Father’s love for me? I cannot comprehend it. Even when I neglect Him. Even when I tell him that I don’t need Him…and then come running back to Him on the hard days. He is still there. Waiting. Saying, “Come, my child. Let me know you–all of you. Put aside your work, and your chores, and your idols. And come.”

So, this is where I’m at. My heart. Knowing I need to give God more of myself, and give my husband and my son more of myself. Give them my love and affection and attention. It’s hard–this stay-at-home mom stuff. Definitely much harder than I had pictured.

As is the process of sanctification…

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